Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Reflections: Powerlessness

I was recalling how my injury affected me and my mood today, how it made me feel useless that I'm able to move around yet unable to dance. I've always feared losing control - control over my mind, body, emotions, situations, relationships, etc. I liked a sense of control. It's one of my ways to assert and confirm to myself that everything is normal, or at least, normal by my standards.

Nonetheless, ever since my Jumper's knee injury, a part of my control has been lost: my body, and it eventually deteriorated into the control of my mind too. Not that I'm insane or anything - okay, maybe I partially am - but I haven't been as disciplined as I would've liked to because my body isn't in as much control as I want to anymore. Somehow, my mind derives its discipline from knowing that I have to dance, and when I dance, it takes up my time yet gives me a boost in energy in return. So, with this new energy, I use it to create works of art, derive more inspiration, and use that for my BFA course in university. Thus, with the abberation of my body not being able to express itself, my mind shuts itself down and I shrink back into non-productive passive work.

It's a desolating feeling. The lack of discipline makes me think back to the days when I'm this quiet, reserved individual who is completely self-conscious about the way I walk, talk, and do anything in general. I was scared that everything I did would make me look like a fool, a nincompoop, a waste of space who does nothing but to provoke. I still have thoughts like these nowadays, but I've been able to avoid that chasm for a while. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying or are you also caught in this situation? Let me know in the comments section below.

However, thank goodness dance made me channel this destructive form of hyper-vigilance into something more beneficial and pull me out of hell's gaping void.

But it doesn't take away the fact that injuries cannot be controlled. All I can do now is to simply minimize such occurrences. Who knows when there comes the day that my ACL gets torn, or that my kneecaps are ground so much that I can't move them anymore? Fear. I can't let that emotion win. I can't let that get in the way of making the most of my time while I can, while I'm young, while I'm alive and breathing.

Being a controlling person also makes me feel like a bitch. But that's probably what the damned social media and societal rules establish female control freaks to be.


I hate that derogatory word. It's as though it's wrong for a woman to act like a man and be in control. So what? Is society that scared to see someone being able to rule their world? Is society so caught up in their minuscule clockwork lives that they're afraid of someone being able to take control of their lives and carpe diem? I say they're powerless only because they chose to be that way.

For now, I am living my every second like it's my last - until I have to make choices and decisions again that may affect my lifestyle after graduating from the DAP and university and whatnot.

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